Oh my god
I’ll only be sitting at this desk for a total of 10 days in October. (Cue the angel choir)
Good phrase or goodest phrase?
I’ve decided that, “looking at porn,” will now be known as, “surfing the web, Republican-style.”
I know that sustained interest in an activity helps kids get admitted. Which...– Part I, Answers to Your Back-to-School Questions - NYTimes.com This is the most depressing thing I’ve seen in the two hours I’ve been awake. I wish all of the answers were, “IT’S TOO LATE. YOUR CHILD IS FUCKED.”
James O’Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN...– Fake pimp from ACORN videos tries to ‘punk’ CNN correspondent - CNN.com Well, with a plan like that, how could he have failed?
I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow...
Leah: It's like that movie... what was it called... "Supernatural Occurrences"?
Colleagues: You mean "Paranormal Activity"?
Summers in the circle gazebo the Litchfield Town Band conducts concerts, various...– Litchfield, Ohio - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Why is that last sentence so depressing? Can anyone put their finger on it?
Mr. Jacobs, the urban entomologist, said the response to stink bugs so far is...– Move Over, Bedbug - The Stink Bug Has Landed - NYTimes.com So the dirty bombs have arrived. Never say they didn’t warn us.
So, do you like Applebees?– Coworker
They mostly ask questions about Don’s allegiance to the Communist Party, as if...– Mad Men S04E10: S#!T My Don Pukes | Videogum Gabe = love.
It’s because we’re college students and we’re paying for services and we all...– Yo, Jersey! Rutgers Wants You To Be Nicer, Launches Civility Campaign I’ll admit to taking this quote out of context, but this is what the majority of college professors are dealing with every day. I applaud Rutgers in its attempt to return some civility to higher education, but I’m not exactly...
Uhhhh, why did no one tell me that Maureen from...
I mean, she was the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy. Who the hell are you? Nobody.
Heading down to Maryland
[Mike Logan is transporting a prisoner from New York to Baltimore, where he is greeted by Pembleton]
NYPD Det. Mike Logan: Detective Frank Pembleton? Mike Logan, NYPD. This is your prisoner, R. Vincent Smith.
Det. Frank Pembleton: So, whenever you decide to show up, I'm supposed to be here?
NYPD Det. Mike Logan: Hey, you're on the clock same as me, what difference does it make?
Det. Frank Pembleton: Typical Big Apple attitude.
NYPD Det. Mike Logan: Anyway, Mr. Smith here has agreed to waive extradition on a felony warrant for second-degree murder. So they call this Charm City, huh? Sounds like something you get out of a box of Cracker Jacks. Who'd want to stay in this land of enchantment?
Det. Frank Pembleton: Plenty of New Yorkers ran down here to Baltimore. Dorothy Parker, for example.
NYPD Det. Mike Logan: Dorothy who?
R. Vincent Smith: Parker, you illiterate.
Det. Frank Pembleton: Dorothy Parker was the wittiest woman in America. The toast of Manhattan. She dies, she's cremated. Her ashes sit in a jar in some Wall Street lawyer's office for twenty years -- twenty years -- while all the New York sophisticates ham and haw, "Whatsoever shall we do with poor Dorothy's ashes?" And where does she end up? Baltimore!
NYPD Det. Mike Logan: I got two words for you guys. Babe Ruth. The Babe. King of Swing, Sultan of Swat, born right here in Baltimore. But where does he go to get his fame and fortune? New York City.
R. Vincent Smith: Edgar Allen Poe. Edgar Allen Poe hated New York so much he had to come to Baltimore to die! That's what New York does to its poets.
NYPD Det. Mike Logan: What did he die of, the local crab cakes? Enjoy your stay, Shakespeare.
Det. Frank Pembleton: You're going to jail for this murder. But thank your lucky stars it's not gonna be in New York.
R. Vincent Smith: Why do you think I didn't fight extradition? I may be guilty, but I'm no fool.
And you can tell everybody this is your soooooong
Connie Souphanousinphone: You'd better go, or my dad will make me play that song he wrote about you.
Bobby Hill: [Gasp of joy] Fat White Lump's about me?!
I give up on today. I'm just going to watch the...
If it’s on the INTERNET, it MUST be true.
Dear Young Manhattanite
It’s called the “Read More” button. You’ve made tumblr on my phone completely unusable. You’re the one I didn’t want to unfollow and now I have to. Ugh, the Internet is the new ugh, Jews.
I don't care about your web column
The minute I realized how pointless having an official thought published on the internet was was when I was allowed to have one myself. I recapped shows for two years for tvguide.com. The minute my first one went up, I stopped caring about what anyone else on the internet had to say. The minute it hit a thousand views, I realized that if I could garner a thousand views on an opinionated recap of...
Why do I enjoy writing obliquely nasty, little, cunty takedowns of people? Because I hate people and it’s FUN.
I just don't care anymore
Ugh, you guys, it’s the fucking internet. For all of the hits and pageviews you have, think about how many more you don’t have. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to brainstorm topics for the aforementioned therapy appointment. Jews, amirite!?
During elections, the Green Movement gained momentum, and for a time it seemed...– Fighting Ahmadinejad: Where movement in Iran stands – This Just In - CNN.com Blogs I just can’t even… this sentence.
"I'm worried I'm going to puke my baby out"
Every week I make out a check (to my therapist; yeah, I said it) for fifteen and 00/100 ———— dollars and EVERY week, I have to catch myself before I write fifteen and pregnant ———— dollars. That’s such a fucking great movie.
No, I don't miss having brothers and sisters. I...
If you had to learn to throw a frisbee to yourself as a child, because not only did not have any siblings, but you were also kind of weird, POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS.
Blackstone’s Steve Schwarzman registered the same kind of complaint, only...– Waaaaah Street: Executives, Emotion, and Outbursts of Obama Rage | The New York Observer Ugh, this fucker is my mom’s cousin. My chromosomes are full so ashamed.
It’s everything. Hipsters control the media now. They’re the new Jews, Leah!– Jean Well, fuck.
William Shatner and Betty White are basically two...
Director of Your Ass, North American Division
Man: Excuse me, sir.
Leah: Did that guy just call me sir?
Alex: I didn't hear.
Leah: I think he just called me sir. [Looks down] I mean, I'm wearing a dress. Whatever, gender roles, whatever, but I'm wearing a dress.
Josh: I heard sir.
Leah: I'm wearing pantyhose! [Boys look uncomfortable] I'm just saying if I have to put on pantyhose, I should be called ma'am.
Quite Possibly The Most Insufferable Quote I Have...
gabrieldelahaye: From the New York Observer: The rise of the Internet television recap has been an inevitable side effect of a medium that allows for instant reactions, favors a freelance model and realizes that the winner of a reality show will dominate Google searches on the day following a season finale. Many sites, Entertainment Weekly’s for one, offer straightforward play-by-play...
First world country, my BEHIND
Leah: Do you really not have breakfast burritos in England?
Becca: Honestly, honestly. What's in them?